I wish I could say that I’ve figured it all out. I wish that I could say that I know why it happened, or even what happened, for that matter. But the truth is, I can’t.
Truth. That’s a tricky word, isn’t it.
Well, friend, if the truth is what you’re interested in, here it is:
I’ve been wandering. A broken soul, searching an ancient life for a flame of ease of which to draw itself into to serve as a reminder of who and what it used to be. I’ve played the “what if” game with myself, and have run the same scenario a thousand times in my head, each one with a better ending than the reality I’ve been given. I’ve been searching. In all the dark corners and abysses of my mind, I’ve sought out solace. But all I have found are more questions. And the answers… well, I can see them, but they all seem to drift further and further away.
I’ve had heartbreaks before. I’ve been sad before. Lonely. Depressed. Hopeless, even. I thought I’d felt it all. But until recently, I’ve felt nothing. Because when that reality hits you- the one that acts as the fiery wrecking ball thousand pound fist straight to your heart- you realize then that nothing could be more wrong. I sat there, at the island of our kitchen, face in my hands, sobbing my heart out as I watched my soulmate walk down the stairs and out the door. It was like I was drowning in the middle of the ocean, and with only a few shallow breaths of air left, someone was taking my lifeboat away. As I thrash around in the water, drowning, I watch it float off into the distance, out, into the vast nothing of the watery horizon. I’m desperate for it to come back, but it doesn’t. I watch the horizon with eagle eyes, even long after it has left my sight, but it does not come back. I don’t know that it ever will.
Dave Grohl would say that “it’s times like these, we learn to live again”. No truer words have ever been spoken. Life is different now. My eyes are different now. They see the world out of its membrane- the colder, harsher version of itself. Things that once held joy now reflect pain. Places where feelings of love overwhelming once bloomed now carry only sharp reminders of what has been lost. Floating memories that once triggered those beautiful little butterflies in my stomach now yield only heavy tears. Yeah, it’s times like these, we learn to live again. But how do you learn to breathe when all your air has been taken from you?
I went on a journey once. It was overwhelming and exhilarating and terrifying and amazing. I didn’t know what I was leaving to find until the day I found it… It was me. I didn’t realize it but I’d been carrying myself around on my own back for years and years. I didn’t understand why I felt like I was harbouring such a burden because I didn’t see myself there.
It hit me one day. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was warm and graceful, there was a smattering of white, lazy clouds piloting the skies high above me. I was living in a hostel in the soul of Australia- Byron Bay. I had a roommate at the time, Dan, who was this beautiful, loving, free spirit. Dan turned out to be something of a spiritual guide for me. He and I talked and ate and wrote and surfed and laughed and cried together, and I experienced some of my most peaceful moments in his company. We would joke that the resident cat (who, a previous roommate from Sweden lovingly named Snowball) had a “staff” at the hostel, as we all succumbed to her cuteness and would all sneak her food under the table at her beck and call. When Dan left Byron, I felt like a part of me left with him. He, whether he knows it or not, has impacted my life so deeply- it is an abyss that runs deep in my soul to this very day. When he left, although I was sad, I felt his inspiration remain. The following is something I wrote, could have been a day, could have been a month, after he left. I don’t know. But I find myself coming back to it in my darkest moments. Funny, how some things act as a lighthouse in our own personal stormy nights…
Snowball must like it when people stick around here for a while. She’s got quite the high staff turnover rate here. I’m sitting here, watching her movements around the empty hostel. She jumps up onto the tables when she thinks no one is watching, eating the crumbs of foods past. “Tables are for plates and glasses, not for little kitty’s asses”
I don’t want negativity in my life. I want to live with an inner peace, a glow that others can feel. I want to spend each day being thankful for the beauty in my life, the beauty in this world. I want to share my calmness with those around me, I want them to feel the love and peace and happiness that I feel. I will think positive thoughts. I will think in beautiful poetic words. I will eliminate the ugly thoughts and the poisonous thoughts from my mind. Each day will begin with excitement for what beauty the world will bestow upon me today. Each day will end with a thankful prayer. I will pray for protection and blessings upon my family back home, and will be grateful for the love that they have for me and that which I have for them. The kind of love that can move you to tears. I am truly blessed for all that I have.
I want to find love here. I want to feel companionship again. I am thankful for having already experienced love in my life, and I am thankful for experiencing the loss of it. Because I am here, in this hammock right now, at the Byron Bay YHA in amazing Australia because of the loss of that love. It has given me the strength to re-learn who I am, who I want to become, and it has shown me how strong I am. It taught me how to love with passion, even in the shadow of the threat of losing that love. It taught me how I have the strength to overcome all obstacles. It taught me that it’s only in yourself that you’re true. That you can fake it to the world, but it’s at the end of the day, when you look deep down, that you know who you are. No smoke, no mirrors, no veil to hide behind. It’s terrifying and beautiful to find that out.
I was in the midst of being thankful for the hot Byron sun on my face today when it came to me that I do not need anyone to make me happy. I am happy with the spiritual oneness of this life as it is. It was a good feeling, like a proverbial foothold on the ascension of life’s Rocky Mountain. I looked around at the palm trees in the sunlight, the clouds dancing by in the clear blue sky and I realize, we didn’t do any of this. These buildings we have, the technology we have, the superficial-ness of this modern world- we didn’t do any of this. We’re just molding the clay, mate. Just using what we’ve been given. I don’t need anyone to make me happy. It’s ok. You hear it all the time, but today, I understood it. Really understood it. If I can keep connected to my oneness with the Earth, the sky, the Divine, and to myself, I think everything’s gonna be ok.
I wish Dan could read this. I think he’d be proud of me. Wherever he is right now, I hope he is smiling.”
To say that I still don’t watch the horizon every day for a glimpse of that lifeboat would be a lie. They say hope is the last thing to go. So, here I am, hopeful. Maybe one day when I’m not watching, I’ll turn around and it’ll be there. And maybe it never will. But I suppose that’s the risk you take when you put your heart out there. Maybe you’ll drown. Maybe the lifeboat comes back. Or, maybe that lighthouse will guide you through your stormy nights and see you safely find port again. Whatever the outcome, embrace it. No one ever said it would be easy, they just promised it’d be worth it.