Author’s Note: This entry was written long before it was ever posted. Sometimes, just as a wound needs time to heal, so does the written word. Not much has been changed since I originally wrote this because it was everything I was feeling at the time. And truth is what this is all about, after all…
A little while ago, I wrote an entry called “Above All Else I Believe In Love”. In it I spoke of the golden-winged side of love, about the joys of it and how it overcomes all obstacles. How it enriches and makes life colourful and vibrant. I had no idea that only days later I would be single again.
The end came on a Saturday afternoon and there was something in me that knew it was coming. Call it a “gut feeling” or “woman’s intuition” or whatever you want, but it was there when I woke up and it proved me right hours later.
Truth be told, I don’t know if he will ever read this. I suppose it’s my hope that he does, but in this life there are really never any guarantees. If he is reading this, however, please know that this is entirely written for you…
My heart is broken. It’s shattered beyond what mere words could ever paint. When I found you, I had no idea what I was in for. I didn’t know that in you, I would have found more kindness, more comfort, and more love than I had imagined the man I would fall for could ever even hold. In you I found a best friend, one who could sit next to me and count the hours go by in front of a Nintendo game or a Netflix series. I found the man who I could laugh with, talk to, confide in, and vent to, and who I could be a bended ear for in return. I found a partner, a protector, and a lover whose touch will reverberate within my being for a lifetime. I found the comfort of being recognized as an individual, and not only respected because of it, but encouraged to continue to be. In your eyes I found the depth that only poets and songwriters have described, and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart, babe, that there has never been a man in my life who has ever looked at me the way you did – the way that made my heart draw out a thousand fiery songs and a thousand weightless butterflies all at the same time. You were the missing piece, you were the colour on my canvas, the melody in my song. The day I fell in love with you, I was wrapped up in your arms and I remember thinking to myself, ‘this is what it’s supposed to be like’. I sit here now, writing this with tears and sadness but I think about that moment and I can’t help but feel nostalgic. Because no moment in my life has even been that special. I would go through every heartbreak, every tear I’ve ever shed, if I knew that you would be at the end of it all. I would do it over again, because this kind of love doesn’t happen to everyone.
I didn’t think that I would ever be alone again, but now all that accompanies me is the devastating knowledge of what I’ve lost in you.
I can’t blame you like how you told me I should. I can’t hate you like how you said I was entitled to. There is a void, a painful gap between my heart and my body, one that I’m not certain can ever be fully complete again. But I can’t hate you.
With a few heavy sentences, the heartbroken me is revealed. And in an instant, the lighthouse is lost.